Suffering, Silently
by Ruj
Summary: Set during Doppelganger, Teyla's thoughts on what happened.  Spoilers for Season 4.  Slightly AUpost epmissing scene.


Title: Suffering, Silently

Author: Inara84

Date: 03/11/07

Rating: PG

Pairing: John/Teyla

Characters: Teyla centric,

Genre: Drama/Angst

Word Count: 872

Archiving: here and at let me know if you want to post it anywhere else.

Warnings: Minor character death references.

Spoilers: DEFINITE SPOILERS FOR DOPPELGANGER, SEASON 4, EPISODE 4.

Disclaimers: Obviously SGA belongs to MGM, Wright, Cooper et al. All quotes are directly from the dialogue in 'Doppelganger' therefore was written by Robert Cooper, not me!

Summary: Teyla's perspective of the episode 'Doppelganger' also changed events slightly, therefore could be classed as AU, post episode or even as a missing scene.

* * *

**Suffering, Silently: **

_"First it was Teyla, and then right after you came to see me I had one..." _

_"...and that's when mine stopped, those pills you gave me knocked me out cold." _

(Teyla and Jennifer Keller, in Doppelganger)

She lied.

It wasn't something she was proud of, but the lie left her mouth before she could censor it. She did not want to admit that she had suffered another _nightmare _last night. Although the term nightmare seemed inappropriate, too tame; she couldn't think of a word that described the sheer terror and fear that flooded her both during and after her dream.

She was ashamed, not only because she still seemed to be suffering the nightmares and others had stopped; but because for the first time since her arrival in Atlantis, she had withheld information during a situation. She was scared; she had confided in Kate about the second nightmare, letting at least her friend and doctor know the truth. Kate had tried to console her, reminding Teyla that the visions were coming from an outside source.

Then Teyla's nightmare became reality.

Teyla could still feel the gut wrenching fear that travelled through her body when she saw Kate on the balcony. Kate's terror filled eyes pleaded for aid, her voice begging, every word piercing Teyla's heart.

_"Kate! What are you doing?" _

_"I don't want to die" _

_"Good, come down from there!" _

_"I can't" _

_"Why not?" _

_"Help me, please!" _

Teyla remembered trying to help, she remembered failing, Kate's agonising screams. The screams she woke to. As soon as Teyla's eyes registered the candlelight of her quarters her ears still hearing Kate's cry she knew something was different. It was too real. She vaguely remembered her frantic run to Kate's room, not even bothering to knock. She crashed into the room and then she knew.

She wouldn't have to wait for the post mortem report; the cause of death would be heart failure. Kate had literally been scared to death, Teyla had borne witness, silently Teyla swore in her heart that she would not endanger anyone else on Atlantis, she would suffer in silence. She still called in Dr Keller, and watched the young woman's face as she too realised that Rodney hard evidence came with a heavy price.

Teyla didn't know how much more she could endure. The losses she had suffered, was still suffering; Carson, Elizabeth and now Kate. All her friends, her confidants Teyla had nobody left. Ronan was still hurting over his Satedan friends' betrayal, McKay was not approachable, Dr Carter was a stranger and John... she didn't know how she could face John again without seeing the callous and gleeful face of the John who caused Kate's death.

_"I think I'm actually afraid of falling asleep..." _

Whilst the rest of her team dealt with the entity that caused her pain, Teyla hid. At first she stayed in her quarters but as the events of the night before began to catch up with Teyla and she grew more tired, Teyla decided to try and exorcise her demons through some katas.

However hard Teyla worked she was unable to stop her heart and mind from feeling, from remembering. She remembered 'girl's night' with Liz and Kate, where they could all gossip and giggle. She remembered laughing as Kate and Liz tried to fight each other as John and Teyla did but failed horrendously as they were both completely drunk. Teyla wiped her eyes furiously as her tears began blurring her vision; she took a deep breath trying to focus all her attention on her body as she worked herself through all the movements.

Unfortunately Teyla failed, she fled the training room blindly unable to stop her tears as her mind tortured her with memories and scenes that would never happen again. Teyla didn't know how long had passed when she was called over the radio as she sat curled on the hard floor in an empty room, sobbing.

Teyla could stop the terror that filled her being when she heard John's voice in her ear. For a heart stopping moment she thought it was another nightmare. She wondered if there would ever be a time that she didn't fear John's voice, or associate him with the hell she was enduring now.

_"I can't help but feel different towards him." _

She hoped, one day, she'd be able to look into his eyes and see him only as Lt Colonel John Sheppard, the man she trusted not the man who taunted her, and tortured her.

_"Couldn't sleep..." _

_"...yeah, me too" _

This time she was honest, leaving her lies undiscovered, they need not know that she still suffered, silently.

_Fin. _


End file.
